Satan Said Ana

I didn’t purge myself since April, but today something happened inside of me.

Actually I don’t feel “normal” for the last two weeks. I’ve started cutting myself again, and having anxiety attacks.

Thought, purging was the next step.

Tomorrow my psychologist will make me a few tests, he says that probably my problem is not just the ED. I’m really scared.

I just want to sleep forever. I’m so fuckin tired of this shit, I thought it stopped for good, but my shitty mind always restart. 

I will appreciate any support message now girls, I really need it…

Love.

Today I went to see my new Doc cuz my recovery is nit going well, Is not since I startes writing again thos kind of things and watching thinspo and wanting to lose weight.
But this Is worst than I though, he wants to test me cuz I might have something more, I don’t know what, but I wonder can I handle another pathology?

I feel tired about my job, I feel sad and fat and I want to go home and take all my pills and take a rest for a week. I want coma.

Someone have a good word for me
?

Why they just let me keep my mouth fucking closed
?

Intake: 120cal.

• Fish soup= 20cal.
• French omelette= 100cal.

Today’s class was so good, I’m starting new projects and keeping my mind on things that I love.

Came home and my grannie made dinner for me, so I couldn’t scape… Too bad.

Every night I speak by the phone with this girl who I’m hanging out with, It’s feels so weird when I think we will be a couple, maybe, someday.

Intake: 200 cal.

• Small roast potato= 80cal.
• Roast chicken= 120cal.

I feel bad about the potato, but I’m a girl with a plan:

• 3 days leaving sugar out of my diet. No sweeteners either, just sweet-free coffee and tea.
• Also reducing quantity on my plate this 3 days.
• No solid for dinner, just clear soup.

After that I’ll start moving, just because I don’t feel well this days and I don’t want to force me while I’m leaving sugar.

I want my mom to send me Winter Girls (it’s at her home, I was living with her when I started my recovery) but I don’t want to scare her, maybe she doesn’t know what is about… or maybe she take a look. Maybe I should buy it again, but I don’t have money to spend in whims, I need to pay school.

I feel tired, I want to sleep. 

The girl I’m dating gave me as a gift a Syd Barret’s bio last week, I love Pink Floyd and I think Barret was a genius, I do have special love for crazy people.

Let’s take a look.

Shine on you Crazy Diamond.

I wrote a text and It disappeared. Weird.

I’m listening my Ana playlist, which I made when I have the MDS ED community. I miss that girls.

My grandpa got into my room and ask me why I didn’t went to work, and why I’m always having problems with my stomach.

I never had this kind of problems, since my EDs stared I was living on my own or with boyfriend (well, till he drop me at my mum’s cuz he thought I had a huge problem with purging whitch was actually true).

The thing is, I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want. I’ll have to hide food and that kind of things that I ever did.

I was thinking about try to do the master cleanse again, I tried like a year ago, but I was too thin and unhealthy and I felt sick at second day.

Should I try now

?

Monday, 8.30am, empty, 52.9kg (116pounds).

Say Hi to my grannies (who I live with)… And have breakfast together like eeeeeverymorning.

Intake: 366 cal

• Bread (50gr)= 146 cal
• Jam (3 slices)= 63 cal
• Orange juice (glass)= 110 cal
• LfMilk+Coffee (cup)= 47 cal

I don’t want to go to work, it’s cold outside and I still feeling sick… I’ll call to the doctor.

9.30am.

I’m in bed again, I’m cold, sneezing, ouch :(

Next Goal: 50kg on sunday.

6 days and counting.

Later if I go out I’ll buy some laxatives.

I’m watching thinspo and I feel supersized.

Headache. Tired. I want to sleep.

(?)